Party Central

I have four parties to attend this weekend.

This is funny on several different levels. And disturbing on several other levels- let's just say there are a lot of levels involved.

We'll cover funny first.

It's funny because I haven't been to four parties TOTAL the entire previous 48 weekends of this year. Call me a non-party(er) if you must. A social outcast.

Personally, I think I'm pretty darn fun. The perfect party invitee. I laugh at everyone's jokes, I do not become intoxicated and cause situations that require law enforcement to be summoned. I unselfishly sample and compliment all of your party food. I "ooh and aah" appropriately at all of your lavish decorations.

Tell me.

What more do you people want??? And I ask that, of course in the nicest "please invite me to your party" kind of way.

OK, I must focus.

Let's continue with disturbing.

Of greater concern is how terribly disturbing, disconcerting, and excessive sweat- producing the whole situation is.

I will actually have to wear clothes to these parties. PARTY-TYPE clothes.

Just shoot me.

And speaking of SHOOTING (see, I AM funny!), here's a BULLETED list of just some of my freakazoid clothing concerns.

• One of the parties is "Black-Tie Optional". Heaven forbid, why don't they just say make an appointment with your psychiatrist for help with figuring out what to wear?
• One of the gatherings is with a group of friends who all attend this same party every year. Why is this a problem you say? The chances are very high that like a complete goober I will wear the same exact thing to this year's shindig as I did to last year's. Of course, you say no one will remember-it's been a whole year, there have been electrical storms, earthquakes, sales at Macy's, for Pete's sake, all kinds of things have happened. But I'm telling you people remember! They're taking bets right now on whether or not I wear the turquoise velvet thingie. Mark my words.
• The two other parties are come and go-type Open Houses. One wants to look festive, but not overly "done-up". I don't do sequins, glitter, large ruffles or bows. I definitely don't do shirts or vests with Christmas trees, snowflakes, Santa, or any other holiday theme print. I don't do reindeer antlers or red noses. Do you see the problem, here? I don't particularly like red, look really bad in Christmas green, and your basic black just makes me look sad and mournful, not really understated and sophisticated.

So there you have it. The whole 4-party problem.

And yes, I'll admit, it's possible that the severely paranoid state in which I frequently operate could be what has kept me off of the year-round party circuit.